I’m about to get very REAL with y’all about my current edit, so take a deep breath before you keep reading…
If you tried to email me in the past three weeks or read Facebook or Instagram posts, you know I’ve tried to tuck myself away in a “writing cave” and focus completely on the really tough rewrite on Potiphar’s Wife.
Writing getaways–it’s what I do. It’s how I go DEEP into the concentrated plot details that wind in and through the full story and integrate character with Scripture and research.
Darkness Begins
I’d planned a 3-week writing getaway. There are always a few glitches during a first edit. I don’t like to give the devil more credit than he’s due, so I don’t call everything a “spiritual battle,” and I realize there are simply hard things that happen in a sin-sick world.
There were soooooo many great things that happened on this getaway. One of my sweet writing friends let me use her basement apartment for three weeks–except for about 4 days in which she arranged for a FREE “commuter” apartment on a Christian campus. I was so grateful, but the apartment brought back some pretty hard memories of our family’s days in seminary–sending me down a bit of a dark emotional trail I hadn’t expected or prepared for. (I don’t tend to be extremely tossed by emotions, so this was very unusual.)
And then there are times when we know there is an unseen war in the heavenlies raging around us. On Saturday, June 12th, after over two weeks of small and medium-sized glitches, this edit chewed me up and spit me out .
The Black Hole: Technology
I returned to my friends’ house and had been making good headway for several days. But on June 12th, right after recording a Facebook Live to update folks on how the writing was going…
I lost the whole outline for the book.
Yep, gone. The manuscript itself (Word document) was still there–51% complete–but the road map for the last half of my book was lost.
It gutted me. Defeated me. I could barely breathe.
After three hours of panic and searching the internet for any possible solution, I found the outline (Excel file). My computer had done an automatic update while the file was open and then saved the file under a completely DIFFERENT name and in a totally DIFFERENT folder.
A New Darkness
But by the time I found the file, it didn’t matter. Eyes swollen from tears and hands still trembling, I couldn’t even open the file I’d found. The thought of going back to editing again made me physically ill…so I went home.
Defeated.
I’ve never experienced anything like it. When others talk about “writer’s block,” I say:
“Push through it! Just keep writing. Even if what you write in that season is terrible, at least you’ll have something to go back to later and edit.”
Uh-no. There was no pushing through a sense of panic at the mere thought of opening my laptop again.
So what was the Lord trying to teach me (because we know He never wastes our pain)? Could there possibly be a light at the end of this tunnel or a dawn after such darkness?
Looking for Lessons
Remember what I said about that Saturday morning had been relatively “normal”? I’d gotten up, had a wonderful quiet time with Jesus, and moved to a few administrative tasks (like checking Facebook that I’d totally neglected for 2 weeks), before starting on edits for the day.
During that morning’s quiet time, I’d read this opening verse:
“After Isaac finished blessing him, and Jacob had scarcely left his father’s presence, his brother Esau came in from hunting.” Genesis 27:30
I’d written in the margin of my Bible:
“If Isaac had been watching for God’s hand, he would have seen the intricate timing of Jacob’s leaving with the ill-gotten blessing and Esau’s arrival as God’s sovereignty.”
Examining Isaac’s Situation:
Do you remember the story? Esau and Jacob were twins. While in their mother Rebekah’s womb, God told her:
“Two nations are in your womb, and two peoples from within you will be separated; one people will be stronger than the other, and the older will serve the younger.” Genesis 25:23
Let’s consider for a moment…
- Do you think Rebekah told Isaac about this revelation?
- Esau was the older, and Jacob was younger – so by God’s word to Rebekah, SHE knew Jacob was the one who would rule (which meant he was the one chosen to receive the blessing handed down from Abraham).
- IF she told her husband about the revelation from Elohim, Isaac ALSO knew Jacob was intended to receive the blessing he was about to confer on Esau in Gen. 27. (Granted, nowhere in Scripture does it say Isaac knew of Rebekah’s revelation–but follow me here…)
Only a few verses after the Word of God to Rebekah, we read what I consider one of the saddest verses in the Bible:
“Isaac, who had a taste for wild game, loved Esau, but Rebekah loved Jacob.” Genesis 25:28
So was Isaac’s determination to confer Abraham’s blessing on his older, favored son in direct disobedience to the Word God had spoken to Rebekah? If she’d told him about it, yes. If she hadn’t told him, Isaac simply chose to favor the elder son and give the blessing as was the custom of the time.
Regardless, God’s ability to thwart Isaac’s favoritism of Esau was both staggering and sobering.
Elohim allowed Rebekah and Jacob to choose deception and sin (He can’t CAUSE sin because He is holy) and used their awful choices to fulfill his sovereign plan. Mind blowing.
Back to My Blown Mind…
During my Saturday afternoon, 3-hour, praise-music-soaked drive home from Raleigh, I cried a lot, shouted, and begged the Lord for answers.
What I’d written in my Bible that morning came to mind:
“If Isaac had paid attention to the timing of all that, he would have seen God’s sovereignty.”
As I pondered the thought, a few things became clearer about the timing of my debacle.
“Pre-Meltdown” Writing Getaway Schedule:
- Concentrated days away: 19 days (May 27 – June 16)
- Days at home to rest between travel: 0 days
- Days in Atlanta w/grandkids: 4 days
- Days after Atlanta for writing AT HOME: 10 days
Post-Meltdown Writing Getaway Schedule:
- Concentrated days away: 15 days (May 27 – June 12)
- Days at home to rest between travel: 4 days
- Days in Atlanta w/grandkids: 4 days
- Days after Atlanta for concentrated days away: 10 days
Seeing the Light
Just in case you missed the significance of God’s sovereign timing and the lessons I’m learning, let me summarize:
- I would have given myself 0 days of rest. Instead, I got four days at home to be at church on Sunday, 6/13, with my peeps, go to small group Wednesday, 6/16, and enjoy our kids and grandkids at home before rushing off to love on our Atlanta kiddos.
- My workhorse schedule would have given me 10 distracted days of writing at home to finish the rewrite. Instead, God gave me 10 more concentrated days away days AFTER our Atlanta visit!
Passing On the Light
I never want to waste my pain or hide it under a bushel basket. If it can help you, dear reader, then it multiplies God’s glory. What can you learn from my experience–and perhaps save yourself a descent into darkness?
Did God hide my Excel outline to toy with my emotions? Absolutely not–no more than He forced Rebekah and Jacob. Rebekah and Jacob chose deception. I chose an unrealistic schedule and was exhausted. Perhaps I overlooked something during the computer’s update. Who knows? Computers do what computers do. And I’ll ONLY GIVE GOD CREDIT FOR HELPING ME FIND THE OUTLINE three hours later!
So, what is God teaching me as I follow my Shepherd from the Valley of Shadows? Many of them are old messages my stubborn heart must relearn over and over. (Can anyone relate?)
- Build in more rest time. (Always the hardest for my Type A soul)
- Listen more; write less.
- Isolation, though great for concentration, makes me more vulnerable to emotional and spiritual attack.
There are many more lessons He’s still massaging into my life, and I pray He’ll speak to you through something I’ve said…
May the opening of my heart, open your heart to the overwhelming heart of God, my friends.
