How To Choose Your Friends

How do you pick your friends?

• Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Mo?
• Draw straws?
• Rock, Paper, Scissors?

I recently spent a whole week with six friends at North Carolina’s Outer Banks. All but one came because they were writers, but I was fascinated by the chemistry that developed between these women–the swirling of my various worlds that collided under one roof.

It was interesting to see how different these women were–yet with some similarities. What made me choose them? DID I CHOOSE THEM? Or was it God who chose these friendships for me?

Let’s ponder these questions together, and maybe you’ll see some trends in your friendships too.

Who Are My Current Friends?

Here’s a little roll call of those on our Outer Banks (OBX) writing retreat (not in picture order):

• Best friend from the Pacific Northwest; met at a writer’s conference in 2005.
• My website manager; became a dear writing friend when we attended a conference together four years ago.
• The first “pair” who knew each other became my friends through ACFW (American Christian Fiction Writers).
• The second “pair”–dear ones who live life with me in our local church; one writes children’s books & theatre; the other volunteered to cook so the rest could concentrate on writing.

Choosing Friends Revelation #1:

I choose friends according to common interests. Though I never imagined having a career, the Lord has opened this writing door, and I LOVE doing it! I have very little time for other hobbies or interests, so I find my friendships among women who enjoy the same thing. Makes sense, doesn’t it?

Who Are My Lasting Friends?

My husband collects coins and stamps. I collect people. When I think back over my lifetime, I tend to delve deeply into friendship with one or two women during a particular season of life and remain close–forever.

I’ve never lost touch with my grade school/high school/college best friend (the same person through it all). When I think of other “seasons” in our married life, I group the friendships according to areas where we lived since each move took to a different season of life. I’m still in touch with a friend or two from each season–all across the country.

Invariably, the women I remain close with fall into two categories:

1. Couple’s closeness – friends that both Roy & I built relationships with the husband and wife.
2. Spiritual intimacy – my lasting women’s friendships are always built on an inner connection that I can neither predict nor muster up with my own effort.

Choosing Friends Revelation #2:

I can choose friends, but I can’t make those friendships LAST. Deep and abiding friendships, in my experience, have been a gift from the One who knit together my inner most being. Then it’s HE who knits my being with another woman who He brings into my life at crucial moments for His good purposes.

A Biblical Friendship Example

While at my OBX retreat, I listened to the other six ladies chatting with each other, and I was so grateful for the kaleidoscope of personalities the Lord brought together. Each woman was so very different yet each one’s gifts and talents layered one upon the other to make a beautiful design for our week.

The week after returning from the OBX, I was pondering these friendships while soaking in the Gospel of John. I had to chuckle at the way “the disciple Jesus loved” described his relationship with Simon Peter in the final four chapters (18-21). Read the following verses and see if you sense competition like I did between the two fishermen-turned-disciples:

In John’s political connections:

“Simon Peter and another disciple were following Jesus. Because this disciple was known to the high priest, he went with Jesus into the high priest’s courtyard, but Peter had to wait outside at the door. The other disciple, who was known to the high priest, came back, spoke to the servant girl on duty there and brought Peter in.” John 18:15-16 ESV

On resurrection morning:

“So Peter and the other disciple started for the tomb. Both were running, but the other disciple outran Peter and reached the tomb first. He bent over and looked in at the strips of linen lying there but did not go in. Then Simon Peter came along behind him and went straight into the tomb.” John 20:4-6 ESV

When Jesus reinstated Peter & called him to lead the Church:

“Peter turned and saw that the disciple whom Jesus loved was following them. (This was the one who had leaned back against Jesus at the supper and had said, ‘Lord, who is going to betray you?’) When Peter saw him, he asked, ‘Lord, what about him?’ Jesus answered, ‘If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me.’” John 21:20-22 ESV

Throughout Jesus’s ministry, we see Him choose Peter, James, & John as the three He confided in most intimately. According to John and his self-proclaimed title of “the disciple Jesus’s loved,” he became Jesus’s best friend. Would Peter and James agree?

If it’s in Scripture, it’s Truth, but the tone of the Scriptures above leads me to believe that even Jesus’s three best friends sinned against each another. We read in all the Gospels that the Twelve disagreed among themselves. Humans–even Christian humans–injure each other with unkind words and actions.

Choosing Friends Revelation #3:

Even the most godly friendships endure bumps and bruises. When we use humility as balm and let Jesus bandage the wounds, relationships can be restored and even strengthened through conflict.

Opposites Attract

If you’re married, consider the ways you and your spouse are different. Are some of those differences the reason you fell in love?

Now, do a quick inventory of your friendships. Are some of your friends also very different from you? It’s not uncommon to gravitate toward people who show strengths where we’re weak and toward others who are weak where we’re strong.

Think about a few of the twelve men Jesus chose as His disciples.

• Peter, Andrew, James, & John were Galilean fishermen – blue-collar guys, roughnecks, lower-middle class
• Matthew was an upper-class Jew but also a wealthy–and crooked–politician; a tax collector who betrayed his people to work for the Romans
• Simon the Zealot – “zealot” means he openly disdained and fought against the Roman occupation; he and Matthew couldn’t have lived in the same zip code without Jesus’s grace & forgiveness flowing through them.

“The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7

Choosing Friends Revelation #4:

We can be different in a hundred ways, but when we share a passion and serve the same God, our friendships are built on an eternal foundation. Tastes in entertainment, age barriers, even conflicting political beliefs can’t destroy a friendship grounded in the love and grace of Jesus Christ.

Choosing Your Friends

If you’ve had difficulty finding friends, you’re not alone. Women, specifically, find new friendships difficult–especially as we get older and have been “burned” too many times. I hope you won’t close your heart. On the other hand, I hope you won’t splay your heart wide open to every woman who comes along. Such openness is foolish, tiresome, and reckless.

Here are a few “hints” that have served me well in choosing friends. I hope they’re helpful to you as well:

1. Tell Jesus all your inmost secrets and feelings FIRST. Make Him your best friend before seeking an earthly bestie.
2. Be friendly with everyone, but reveal yourself completely to very few. (Not everyone wants to know about my ingrown toenail.)
3. Go slowly. Let the friendship grow and evolve over time. (My friendships can take up to three years before I feel confident enough to call or visit for no reason at all.)

[Jesus said,] “You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.” John 15:14-15

“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.” Proverbs 17:17