When Helping People Hurts

My 92-yr-old mama has almost completely recovered from covid. She’s amazing. And she had a whole lot of other amazing people helping her.

But how do you know when to stop helping? There were a thousand “what ifs” that could have kept full-time caregivers serving this treasure of our family too long. Why too long? Because she wants and needs to be independent as long as possible!

Sometimes helping people hurts people.

Helping That Hurt

Roy and I were leaving for a six-week trip when we found out Mom had covid. We were heading to Atlanta to stay with the grandkids while our daughter and SIL enjoyed a few days away. After that, we’d arranged to stay in Florida for a four-week writing getaway so I could finish a big chunk of the first draft on my next book.

I was tempted to cancel the whole trip. I wanted to be with Mama. What if…

But we didn’t cancel. We went to Atlanta, stayed with the grands, and I kept in touch with Mom and the family through phone calls and texts. (Thank You, Jesus, for technology!)

I started noticing my niece from Montana would answer my two-a-day phone calls instead of my mom. She’d come from Montana to stay with this treasure of our family while she recovered, and she was so gentle and tactful in dealing with her annoying aunt who always seemed to call while Grandma was napping!

Oh yes. Though I thought my twice-daily phone calls would be helping…they would have actually kept my mama from getting the rest she needed. Duh! 😉 My intentions were good. The execution was poor. And my niece was a perfect caregiver (who I adore)!

3 Types of Helpful Hurting

Some of us are more prone to this “helpful hurting” than others. I think we fall into three categories:

1. People Pleasers
2. Worry Warts
3. Holy Hopers

 People Pleasers

This would be me. I’ll run myself until my tank is below empty in order to meet someone else’s expectations–no wait. In order to meet what I THINK someone else expects–or what I consider the right thing to do.

Was it necessary to call my mama TWICE a day? Nope. Is it necessary to do two newsletters, a blog, and a short story EVERY month? Nope. But I think that’s what I SHOULD do, so I continue to do it even when we’re preparing for a book launch in May! Eeeeeek!

And how does that hurt people? People pleasers usually end up hurting the people closest to us–because we know they’ll love us anyway when they get less of our time and emotional energy. That’s what I’ve been trying to avoid since 2018, and with Hubby Roy’s help and God’s grace, I’m getting better at measuring my tasks by this standard:

Am I helping because it truly helps or because I want to please?

Worry Warts

These are the actuaries of daily life. Insurance companies pay this kind of person to imagine every awful thing that could possibly happen, but worry warts do it without a salary and drive their families crazy with precautionary measures.

This isn’t me, but it describes A LOT of people I know. Many firstborns. And moms because, well, they’re moms! Worry warts find themselves helping people because they’re plagued with every “What if” question and are then compelled to provide as many preventative measures as they can.

Yes, this would be my amazing niece from Montana–but praise God for her! Where would the world be without some of our actuarial thinkers? My husband is also one of these. I’m soooo grateful for his planning and preparation. However, in both these people I hold dear to my heart, I’ve seen their helpful analysis become potentially hurtful to THEM. In a world that with a 3-second attention span, planners are too often ignored and devalued.

If you’re a worry wart and/or planner, consider using this as a helpful question when the next opportunity comes along to help someone:

Will my help be valued and/or implemented if I invest the time and care? (Do I have a voice here?)

Holy Hopers

I think Joseph fell into the Holy Hoper camp. Perhaps we all do from time to time–and maybe it’s not a bad thing. Maybe you can help me decide. Joseph was a slave but both God and Potiphar had shown him great favor. Potiphar had placed everything under Joseph’s care–except his wife, who happened to think Joseph was very handsome.

“Now Joseph was well-built and handsome, and after a while his master’s wife took notice of Joseph and said, ‘Come to bed with me!’ But he refused.” Genesis 39:6–8

Good for Joseph, right? Righteous guy. He said no. But why did he keep putting himself in this woman’s line of sight day-after-day? Granted, Scripture tells us he refused to go to bed with her “or even be with her” (Gen. 39:10), but it also tells us she spoke to him “day after day.”

“And though she spoke to Joseph day after day, he refused to go to bed with her or even be with her. One day he went into the house to attend to his duties, and none of the household servants was inside. She caught him by his cloak and said, ‘Come to bed with me!’ But he left his cloak in her hand and ran out of the house.”  Genesis 39:10–12

Joseph’s Holy Hoping

Have you ever kept doing the right thing because you wanted to be “a good witness”? Maybe you visited a bar to share the Gospel and had a couple of drinks–and then drove home. Maybe you tried to befriend a harsh coworker that needed Jesus and got sucked into the office gossip chain.

Sometimes our best intentions to be that Light of Jesus gets swallowed up by our human frailty. Let me ask you a question that slapped me in the face while I was writing Potiphar’s Wife:

When there was no one else in the house, why did Joseph get close enough to his master’s wife that she could grab his “cloak”?

Every other time Joseph denied Potiphar’s wife. When they were alone, she had his cloak in her hand–and he just ran. Something seems different there, doesn’t it?

Blame it on my fiction mind, but I believe Joseph was tempted. HE DIDN’T SIN. But I think we holy hopers try so hard to help God that we end up hurting ourselves and/or others. Worst of all, we oftentimes stain the witness of Christianity with our public sins. Let’s use this question to measure our hearts in a holy pursuit:

Am I helping because the Holy Spirit has compelled me, or am I feeling compelled by other people/reasons?

Helping Hurting People

I hope my words today haven’t discouraged anyone from helping hurting people! My mama made an incredible recovery because she had a worry wart grand-daughter, a people-pleasing daughter, and a whole lot of holy hopers planning, caring, and praying for her! As with most things, it’s all about balance.

Today’s Question:

Is there any “helping” in your world that could be better balanced with a few simple questions?

1. Am I helping because it truly helps or because I want to please?
2. Will my help be valued and/or implemented if I invest the time and care?
3. Am I helping because the Holy Spirit has compelled me, or am I feeling compelled by other people/reasons?